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22 things your Scuba diving instructor didn't tell you (but probably wanted to...)
1) Everyone pees in their wetsuit – everyone, eventually (except your instructor of course!)
2) Yes, you have tan lines on your neck and hands from your suit but as long as that’s all that people can see when you are back at work it’ll look like you’ve been on Holiday, and don’t worry, those odd lines on your face will disappear in time but you wouldn’t get them if you didn’t overtighten your mask.
3) Waterproof makeup was intended to withstand a good cry and not scuba diving in a cold lake in the middle of England.
4) The person on the boat flashing the most certification cards and the newest equipment is usually that biggest **** on board.
5) You will be buddied with them, and they will be a nightmare.
6) Going on your first open water dive is scary, but it’s OK, your instructor and the rest of the dive team are there for you and they have done this a lot of times before and know what they are doing, well, most of the time anyway.
7) ‘This is my favourite site,' translates as ‘we come here ALL THE TIME because it’s close and easy.’
8) You won’t always see the shark/barracuda/scary marine inhabitant approach; but when it does have your camera ready otherwise, we won’t believe you.
9) I do love night diving, but please don’t point your torch in my face when talking to me.
10) You should do the deep/navigation/DSMB course just so that I can have a break and do something different.
11) if you touch the wildlife you will be in my bad books for a very long time!
12) No, I don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend.
13) ‘The last time I was here I saw a whale shark.’ translates as ‘I’ve scuba dived here hundreds of times, and my mate on the other dive boat new some who once said he saw a whale shark here.’
14) You are going to, at some point, flood a dive camera, drop a flashlight, get blisters from your fins, buy a leaky mask, it happens.
15) Diving is not for everyone; some people should remain on land yet some slip through the cracks, and…
16) See point five.
17) If you do not listen to dive briefings and then mess up because of it, or repeatedly ask questions whose answers were in the briefing, then I will be very tempted to turn your air off.
18) Interfering in my dive course will get you thrown back in the water without your wetsuit; at least in my evil fantasies.
19) At some point you are going to have ear issues; equalization problems, ear infections, and burst eardrums are in your future.
20) The only way to guarantee you'll see a shark is to leave your camera on the dive boat.
21) Fish really are attracted to shiny jewellery.
22) I don’t care about your video clip from the last dive, but I will happily come to the bar and watch it if the beers are on you.
1) Everyone pees in their wetsuit – everyone, eventually (except your instructor of course!)
2) Yes, you have tan lines on your neck and hands from your suit but as long as that’s all that people can see when you are back at work it’ll look like you’ve been on Holiday, and don’t worry, those odd lines on your face will disappear in time but you wouldn’t get them if you didn’t overtighten your mask.
3) Waterproof makeup was intended to withstand a good cry and not scuba diving in a cold lake in the middle of England.
4) The person on the boat flashing the most certification cards and the newest equipment is usually that biggest **** on board.
5) You will be buddied with them, and they will be a nightmare.
6) Going on your first open water dive is scary, but it’s OK, your instructor and the rest of the dive team are there for you and they have done this a lot of times before and know what they are doing, well, most of the time anyway.
7) ‘This is my favourite site,' translates as ‘we come here ALL THE TIME because it’s close and easy.’
8) You won’t always see the shark/barracuda/scary marine inhabitant approach; but when it does have your camera ready otherwise, we won’t believe you.
9) I do love night diving, but please don’t point your torch in my face when talking to me.
10) You should do the deep/navigation/DSMB course just so that I can have a break and do something different.
11) if you touch the wildlife you will be in my bad books for a very long time!
12) No, I don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend.
13) ‘The last time I was here I saw a whale shark.’ translates as ‘I’ve scuba dived here hundreds of times, and my mate on the other dive boat new some who once said he saw a whale shark here.’
14) You are going to, at some point, flood a dive camera, drop a flashlight, get blisters from your fins, buy a leaky mask, it happens.
15) Diving is not for everyone; some people should remain on land yet some slip through the cracks, and…
16) See point five.
17) If you do not listen to dive briefings and then mess up because of it, or repeatedly ask questions whose answers were in the briefing, then I will be very tempted to turn your air off.
18) Interfering in my dive course will get you thrown back in the water without your wetsuit; at least in my evil fantasies.
19) At some point you are going to have ear issues; equalization problems, ear infections, and burst eardrums are in your future.
20) The only way to guarantee you'll see a shark is to leave your camera on the dive boat.
21) Fish really are attracted to shiny jewellery.
22) I don’t care about your video clip from the last dive, but I will happily come to the bar and watch it if the beers are on you.